Bored this half-term?
Well why don’t you decorate my bathroom! I’ll pay you in biscuits and supply you with as much tea as you can carry in a saucepan.
Wait! I was joking! (- I wasn’t. Even if you did a few tiles I would be grateful! Though I was lying about the biscuits…….I have barely a clutch of pink wafers to my name.)
This week saw me attending a writing masterclass with world famous children’s author (and part-time dentist and wool expert) Dr Judith Serious. Dr Judith Serious - or as he likes to be known - Dr Judith Serious - has of course garnered many an award and accolade for his ‘Pemberton Fence Investigates’ series.
(I find them quite dull, to be honest. For those of you who haven’t read them then please don’t bother on my account. They revolve around a fence panel who becomes a private investigator and solves crimes. Truly - it’s awful. But when your parents are owners of a chocolate empire, as Judith’s were, then you’re bound to pick up the odd publishing contract along the way. Dear me! (Shakes his head in woe!))
I nervously took along my portfolio and displayed some of my better efforts for him to consider. For someone nearly 7 feet tall he was surprisingly short and he was covered in wrist watches so that he could boast about what time it was in any country in the world. He was instantly tedious.
Needless to say he hated everything I had written. He even hated my tie - and I wasn’t even wearing one of those! However, after telling me the time in Nova Scotia, he agreed to help me improve my writing.
First off, we took a simple sentence.
- Gloria wandered the streets searching for her cat.
Then Dr JS modified it with his own brand of excellence so that it read:
- Gloria wandered like a Brontosaurus around the streets, searching for her cat that wasn’t a Brontosaurus.
I didn’t like either sentence and I detested the second one even more. But being a decent sort of fellow (and some might use the term ‘door mat’ here) I went along with his suggestions.
To test him further I gave him this sentence to ‘improve’:
- It was a glorious, sunny day and Kevin the ostrich put on his best pants to celebrate.
Dr Judith Serious winced and then fuelled the light bulb above his head with this response:
- It was a glorious, sunny Brontosaurus day and Kevin the Brontosaurus ostrich put on his best Brontosaurus pants to celebrate Brontosauriously.
Awful. Even Kevin the ostrich agreed - and he was a fictional character written for the purpose of this blog piece.
When I challenged Dr JS on the word ‘Brontosauriously’ and suggested that he had made it up he nearly evaporated with total anger.
I left soon afterwards. I went straight home and cheered myself up by reading this weeks BOOKhut recommendation, ‘My Brother’s Famous Bottom’ by the King of Comedy himself, Jeremy Strong. Nicholas has this baby brother called Cheese and Dad is hailing him as a TV star in the making. The disposable-nappy people are searching for a bottom to advertise their new range. Cue an audition and some sillines and slapstick ahoy! It’s simply smashing and ideal for this half-term.
So there you have it. If you’re not going to decorate my bathroom then the least you can do is enjoy reading ‘My Brother’s Famous Bottom’ - guaranteed to baseball bat boredom into oblivion!
Scribbles and Nibbles, BOOKhutters!
Des
(PS. I have three brothers and none of them have a famous bottom. Or famous anything come to think of it…)
‘Dad reckoned he saw several TV stars. He even asked one for her autograph, and she was ever so pleased. She scribbled it down and then told him that actually she was one of the cleaners!’ - from ‘My Brother’s Famous Bottom’ by Jeremy Strong. Illustrated by Rowan Clifford.
