BOOKhut

Bored this half-term?

Well why don’t you decorate my bathroom! I’ll pay you in biscuits and supply you with as much tea as you can carry in a saucepan.

Wait! I was joking! (- I wasn’t. Even if you did a few tiles I would be grateful! Though I was lying about the biscuits…….I have barely a clutch of pink wafers to my name.)

This week saw me attending a writing masterclass with world famous children’s author (and part-time dentist and wool expert) Dr Judith Serious. Dr Judith Serious - or as he likes to be known - Dr Judith Serious - has of course garnered many an award and accolade for his ‘Pemberton Fence Investigates’ series.

(I find them quite dull, to be honest. For those of you who haven’t read them then please don’t bother on my account. They revolve around a fence panel who becomes a private investigator and solves crimes. Truly - it’s awful. But when your parents are owners of a chocolate empire, as Judith’s were, then you’re bound to pick up the odd publishing contract along the way. Dear me! (Shakes his head in woe!))

I nervously took along my portfolio and displayed some of my better efforts for him to consider. For someone nearly 7 feet tall he was surprisingly short and he was covered in wrist watches so that he could boast about what time it was in any country in the world. He was instantly tedious.

Needless to say he hated everything I had written. He even hated my tie - and I wasn’t even wearing one of those! However, after telling me the time in Nova Scotia, he agreed to help me improve my writing.

First off, we took a simple sentence.

• Gloria wandered the streets searching for her cat.


Then Dr JS  modified it with his own brand of excellence so that it read:

• Gloria wandered like a Brontosaurus around the streets, searching for her cat that wasn’t a Brontosaurus.


I didn’t like either sentence and I detested the second one even more. But being a decent sort of fellow (and some might use the term ‘door mat’ here) I went along with his suggestions.

To test him further I gave him this sentence to ‘improve’:

• It was a glorious, sunny day and Kevin the ostrich put on his best pants to celebrate.


Dr Judith Serious winced and then fuelled the light bulb above his head with this response:  

• It was a glorious, sunny Brontosaurus day and Kevin the Brontosaurus ostrich put on his best Brontosaurus pants to celebrate Brontosauriously.


Awful. Even Kevin the ostrich agreed - and he was a fictional character written for the purpose of this blog piece.

When I challenged Dr JS on the word ‘Brontosauriously’ and suggested that he had made it up he nearly evaporated with total anger.

I left soon afterwards. I went straight home and cheered myself up by reading this weeks BOOKhut recommendation, ‘My Brother’s Famous Bottom’ by the King of Comedy himself, Jeremy Strong. Nicholas has this baby brother called Cheese and Dad is hailing him as a TV star in the making. The disposable-nappy people are searching for a bottom to advertise their new range. Cue an audition and some sillines and slapstick ahoy! It’s simply smashing and ideal for this half-term.

So there you have it. If you’re not going to decorate my bathroom then the least you can do is enjoy reading ‘My Brother’s Famous Bottom’ - guaranteed to baseball bat boredom into oblivion!

Scribbles and Nibbles, BOOKhutters!

Des

(PS. I have three brothers and none of them have a famous bottom. Or famous anything come to think of it…)

‘Dad reckoned he saw several TV stars. He even asked one for her autograph, and she was ever so pleased. She scribbled it down and then told him that actually she was one of the cleaners!’ - from ‘My Brother’s Famous Bottom’ by Jeremy Strong. Illustrated by Rowan Clifford.

Consider being ‘The Worlds Worst’ at something. It doesn’t exactly inspire does it?

Here is a list of some of my BOOKhut chums who were always destined for EPIC failure:

• Rick the hedgehog got very few bookings as a balloon sculpturer. I can’t think why….he’s such a nice creature. So he left that business venture and became a lollipop man. Hedgehogs and roads don’t really mix and within the first day he was as flat as his lollipop. I miss you Rick. We all do…..
• Billy the Goldfish wanted a job at NASA. He had dolphin friend who jazzed up his CV. Well of course on the day of his interview he forgot where he was going - and five seconds later he forgot his name. The same ‘friend’ suggested he went into construction. The first day on site the foreman placed a hod of bricks on his bowl and that was last I heard of Billy. I miss you Billy. We all do…….. (BOOKhut tip of the day: never trust a dolphin. They think they know everything!)
• Alfred G. Tumble fancied himeslf as a boxer and challenged Yarloslav ‘The Meat Pounder’ Boslavavich to a fight. Alfie was muscularly challenged - he was a five stone weakling to be fair. I’ve known sticks of celery with bigger biceps. But the gauntlet had been thrown down. All it took was one upper cut and Alfie was as flat as Rick. I miss you Alfie. We all do……
• Trisha Addlebury always dreamt of becoming a gold medalist so she saw her opportunity when the British team held their swimming try-outs. She looked resplendent in her pink lycra costume and stood with majesty at the pool’s edge. The noise of the crowd blended together in a universally wagnerian chant of ‘TRISHA! TRISHA!’. The starter gun fired and the line of athletes plunged into the water to commence the competetive battle. Apart from Trisha - who rememberred that she couldn’t actually swim. Her cheeks went scarlet with embarrasment and to save face she jumped in and sank like a stone. I miss you Trish. We all do…….
• Kevin Grotter was a professional school bully. For years he terrorised me and the rest of my class with his disgusting and humiliating tatics. After school he rose up the ranks to become the Mayor of London . While promoting the Olympics at the London Eye, the mechanism became faulty and the wheel started spinning out of control. Tragically, his pod detached from the rest from the speed of the revolutions, sending him him flying off into the approaching storm clouds. He was never seen again. I don’t miss Kevin. No-one does…………

Now consider todays BOOKhut recommendation ‘Sir Gadabout’ by Martyn Beardsley (illustrated by the ‘funtubulous’ Tony Ross). Sir Gadabout has the unenviable title of ‘The Worst Knight in the World’. Apparently he is so incompetent, it’s amazing he can put his armour on the right way! But when the fair Guinivere goes missing it’s left to Sir Gads to lead the quest to rescue her…..hopefully in one piece. He is assisted by his faithful squire Herbert and Merlin’s sceptical cat Sydney Smith. Will Guinivere return to the arms of her beloved King Arthur or will those arms be quite accidentally broken off in a bungled rescue by Sir Gadabout? Don’t just sit their pondering the answer - pick up the book and find out for yourself.

Recently I thought I would become the ‘The World’s Greatest Mechanic’ - and quite by coincidence my first assignment was at the London Eye - the day Mayor Grotter was snuffling around for publicity. Unfortunately,  I wasn’t very good and it didn’t quite work out - though  thinking about it, perhaps it did. (See ya Kev - remember: what goes around, comes around. He-he-he!)

Oodles of poodles in supernoodles BOOKhutters! Get reading and I look forward to speaking to you soon.

Des

‘“You must tell us what you’ve done with Guinivere,” Sir Gadabout declared grandly. “Otherwise…” and he drew his sword out with a great flourish. The blade hit the low ceiling of the cave and it snapped in two. The broken half cracked Sir Gadabout on the head, knocking him to the floor in a daze.’ - from ‘Sir Gadabout’ by Martyn Beardsley.

Is your best friend a rabbit? If the answer is ‘No’ please move on to the next question.

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Hello - thought I might find you here.

Alright then, is your best friend a sheep? If the answer is ‘Yes’ then please proceed to the nearest hospital where a doctor will look after you and a nurse will brush your hair and tell you everything is going to be fine. (Just make sure they don’t eat all of your grapes.)

BUT actually rabbits and sheep can co-exist in the most wonderful way. And the very best example of this is to look at the friendship that has grown between Sarah McIntyre’s dazzling duo, Vern and Lettuce.

Vern (the sheep) and Lettuce (the rabbit) are best friends - soul mates if you will. Not entirely similar at all either in breed or character, but together they form a fun dynamic. 

Vern is a bit of a worrier, Lettuce is more spirited and carefree. Vern plays the tuba (‘BWAAT’!!!!). Lettuce can sing (….well, she seems to think so anyway) and together they plan to audition for Barnyard Talent and meet fox impressario, Ricky Reyanard. On the way they knit, bake, bunny’sit and meet moles, polar bears, badgers and bus driving cats (that don’t allow pigeons to ridetheir bus. How rude!). Our two heroic animals turn the London cityscape into one big adventure and there are plenty of giggles to be had in each comic strip.

When I met Sarah, I asked her a couple of Vern and Lettuce related questions exclusively for BOOKhut:

BOOKhut: If Vern could knit you something what would you ask him to make you?

Sarah McIntyre: It would probably be a jumper with lots of pockets.

BOOKhut: If Vern and Lettuce bought each other a present, what would it be?

Sarah McIntyre: I think Vern would bake Lettuce some cookies and Lettuce would get Vern some skydiving lessons. Vern would hate that, and he would need some convincing to jump out of the plane.

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Again BOOKhut would like to give two huge thumbs up to the brilleriffic Sarah McIntyre. Vern and Lettuce is our BOOKhut recommendation so spoil yourselves and seek it out TODAY!!!

I’m off to visit my friend in hospital. He thinks he’s an armadillo named Bernice. I’ve already eaten his grapes so he’ll be disappointed about that.

Tatty bye BOOKworms!

Des

Life is one big question.

Actually, perhaps life is several questions.

Oh, let’s face it - life is FULL of questions. Here are some I would like answerred:

• Where is my hat?

• Who had the biggest pants - King Henry VIII or Queen Victoria? (I think hers were HUGE towards the end of her life.)
• What flavours does a rainbow come in?
• Are you sure you haven’t seen my hat?
• Where is Atlantis? (Is it really Cornwall in a very clever disguise? I heard someone say once that if you took the glasses and moustache off of Cornwall it would look exactly like Atlantis.)
• Why do feet smell of cheese?
• Why does cheese smell of feet?
• Why does the postman always leave the gate open?
• What does a Royal Guard keep under his busby? (I think I know this one: it’s their sandwiches.)
• Who broke the Enigma code?
• Who fixed the Enigma code after it was broken?
• Do spies like mince pies?
• Listen, I won’t get upset if you just put my hat back. I’ll close my eyes….
• What was Rumplstiltskin’s middle name? (I think it was Cynthia….)
• Did Goldilocks wear a wig?
• How many light bulbs does it take to change a person?
• Who changes the light bulb in the sun?
• Can I have a pet cloud and if so what would I give it to eat?

Some simple enough questions there I think you’ll find.

Alternatively of course you can plump for reading the BOOKhut recommendation for today which is the fact filled ‘Do Igloos Have Loos?’ by Mitchell Symons. In this bookMitchell sets out to answer all the unanswered and some of the unanswerable questions in the know universe. Like:

• Was there a real Goody Two-Shoes?
• Why does our skin go wrinkly when we’ve stayed in the bath for too long?
• How clever is your right foot?

This book is BEYOND FASCINATING. And if you think this is great then why not try one of his other books like the catchily titled ‘How much POO does an elephant do?’ or ‘On your FARTS, get set, GO!’

Just ask Mitchell - he knows the answers.

I bet he knows where my hat is.

Speak to you soon BOOKhutters.

Des

‘Slugs thrive in the wet. If they dry out - a process known as dessication - they die. So they have to produce a protective mucus - which looks like slime to us - to survive.’ - from ‘Do Igloos have Loos?’ by Mitchell Symons.

Sarah McIntyre is one of the bravest illustrators I know.

Look at this picture. She has a finger placed on Morris the Mankiest Monster’s bogey! (Cue the fainting Victorian lady)

It’s alright. No need to panic. Get the Victorian lady some smelling salts and a sponge cake. Sarah is only touching a picture of his bogey.

Sarah is an illustrator, author and creative wonder and I thought I would pop along to the Fleece Station (where her studio is based) and ask her The BOOKhut Big 6. (Cue outrageously epic music that would make any 18th cetury German composer blush into insignificance.)

The BOOKhut Big 6 - with the utterly brilliant Sarah McIntyre.   

Q1: Describe yourself in 6 words.

Sarah: Sugar addicted Londoner addicted to drawing.

Q2: Which children’s book character are you most like?

Sarah: Sym in ‘The White Darkness’ by Geraldine McCaughrean.

Q3: What are your favourite children’s books?

Sarah: ‘There are cats in the book’ by Vivian Schwarz and ‘In the Night Kitchen’ by Maurice Sendak. (**Look ‘em up BOOKhutters - they are fab!**)

Q4: Who inspires you?

Sarah: My creative friends Gary Northfields, Lauren O’Farrell, Ellen Lindner and the wider British comics community Posie Simmonds, Satoshi Kitamura and Philip Reeve.

Q5: Make up a new Olympic sport.

Sarah: Anything involving water balloons filled with jelly would be good. Perhaps also a game that was a cross between baseball and polo but ridden on elephants.

(**What a fantastic answer - I should have asked what flavour jelly though! Crumbs!**)

Q6: Tell the BOOKhutters an interesting fact.

Sarah: The Fleece Station is haunted by a lady who lives in the toilet!

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Phew! That was incredible. HUGE thanks to Sarah for answerring our BIG 6. I hope that ghost in the toilet isn’t too much of a bother (- I might see if I can track her down and suggest a more glamorous spot to haunt. Imagine having to go while while the ghost is rattling her chains and moaning. It would be most off putting!)

And our BOOKhut recommendation of course has to be something from Sarah so may I suggest ‘You Can’t Scare a Princess’ written by Gillian Rogerson and illustrated, of course, by our very own Sarah McIntyre. It has all you need - a neat, sweet, treat of a story with a princess, a king and some rather cheeky pirates - all beautifully drawn in spectacular fairytale dream scapes. (I’ve been lucky enough to see Sarah work and when she draws her pen sings accross a page. It’s magic.)

Join us later in the week when we find out a bit more about two of Sarah’s best characters, Vern and Lettuce!

I’m off to ghost-bust in a toilet. I ‘aint ‘fraid of no ghost!…………on second thoughts I might just stay here instead…….

Des

I have spent literally moments on writing the following poems for you. (No - not YOU Finnegan Gimble! You can stand in the corner. And turn around - we are offended by your beard and all that is trapped in it!)

As such, I have changed my name temporarily to Anderson A. Anderson. Don’t ask me why! (I said DON’T ask me why, Finnegan. And you can turn around again!)

My first offering is this little sham number:

‘McGoven’s Revenge’ by Anderson A. Anderson  

Coco McGoven

was a pushin’ and a shovin’

in the queue for the loo

(which ‘the queue’ wasn’t lovin’)

so it weren’t surprising

when there was an uprising

and the queue pushed back

in a singular attack!

And Coco was ejected

he was down and rejected

BUT in fierce retaliation

he caused a mass sensation

as he pulled down his trousers

and the queue gasped ‘Yowsers!’

as he weed on them all

from the tallest to the small!

In confusion and disgust

all the queue began to rust

and his final parting shot

at this angry, sodden lot

was a revelation true -

that he didn’t need a poo!

This poem is bound to be shared in most boutiques up and down the land and scrawled in invisible ink on large billboards. My next journey into poetry is a much better piece - mainly because it’s not as long which has caused many to breath a sigh of relief after chugging through the last attempt:

The Double Booking - by Anderson A. Anderson

“What time’s the War?

Half past four!

Can we make it eight?

I’m going to be late!”

Short but oh-so-sweet! It won several awards in my own imagination and catapulted me into fame and fortune. And then I woke up. Sigh. But this next one is simply marvelous: